When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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