So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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