I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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