i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
