areolas are like halos for boobs.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
