you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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