I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize