smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
its liver damage thursday
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
