At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
