Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she peed on how many people?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
