Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
