Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
