I am spending my child support on dildos
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
