And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
