Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
