I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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