I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
