I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
