dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
