Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
