You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
