Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Randomize
