Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
