It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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