my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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