you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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