Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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