i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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