I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
a search helicopter?!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
