Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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