Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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