officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Please don't give away my fajitas
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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