whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
