I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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