you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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