Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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