how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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