Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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