i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize