Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
