I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I understand Curling. That high.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
