My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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