I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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