I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
