I wish my penis had an off switch
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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