Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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