Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
