M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
