i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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