When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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