I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
