His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm at about main and main street
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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