the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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