Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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