I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
