how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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