It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
