when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
vagina is talking i cant
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
