i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
