i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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