yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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