Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
