So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
