dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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