my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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