I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize