I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
