I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
