How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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