life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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