Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
