Can Purell be used as lube?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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