Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
